And · she · folded · up · her · fears · like · paper · airplanes

My only motivation to get out of bed this morning was to wear a sweater I had wanted to wear, and just remembered I forgot it in the trunk of my car. It was a hand me down pull over cardigan type from my father's mother. Grandma Gloria. It seems to smell like mildew though, now that I'm wearing it. She likes to hang dry clothing after washing it. This may be because her dryer is broken. Though I thought my Uncle Gary had bought her new appliances.
After "sleeping in" for nearly 45 mins. Basically me just hitting snooze on my cell phone. I was up and function. "Roll out of bed" day to begin. I played "Don't Panic" by Cold play on repeat till I was ready to walk out my door. This was also motivation as lyrically it suggests "we live in a beautiful world". I used to believe this to be true.
Jaded, empty, alone, I am not sure that I can.
But I have hope still.
I got a cup of coffee, which is not a regular routine. It was cold out though, I figure it would be warm for the road. It was not. Luke warm. So I microwave it. Sort of made it less appealing, never the less I drove with my cup of coffee sipping it waiting for my windows to defog.
My mind is on the fritz. I was 4 feet away from hitting a crossing guard. I would've felt worse if there were also children in sight, not yet though, he was doing his job.
I feel awful about that. It happened fast. I wasn't too near hit, to miss him. But still. I should've been more aware.
I can't live with any more death on my hands.
I won't.

Now I found myself updating this journal to help calm the anxiety that is my day to day, moment to moment life. Though it can be considered relative.
To only my own self.
I'll get to work and keep busy. Be productive.
"Useful".
But I have this urge to finish reading the homicide report for Los Angeles/ Orange County. Just for this past 2 weeks.
Yes. People die every day. We're all going to die.
Senseless violence, murder though.
I can not understand.
But I guess I am no better.
I spent last night trying to finish a chronological history book. "For Pleasure".
I hope to find a better understanding of how we came to be, human nature. Possibly existence. But physics and science is what I would like to finish reading next. Ultimately all of my books I've started and disappointedly didn't finish, yet.
But I think it would be easy to just listen to the Bible on audio cd. I wonder if the Quran is also available.

The end.

i talk to you all the time the world thinks i'm crazy as crazy is and i don't feel much different fluorescent lights hum their incessant anthem everything i believe and everything that holds me together at the seams seems so far away from here and we're all wandering where're we going and i wish my colors weren't so faded i wish i didn't feel so cold everyone's so slow and jaded falling asleep to this drone i think about running everyday away from this life i've made built to last a little too long feeling trapped under my own weight too heavy now to stand let alone fly and i'm always watching the sky with jealous eyes wish i'd finally fall apart do something desperate to change things changed my mind again just when i was getting brave somewhere over this city high above the red brick chimneys i know we can escape this it feels like fighting gravity

It's been awhile. I can't remember if I ever was happy. Ever really ok.

Void.
Alone.

Deep. Endless.

I run. But I'm stuck. (sinking feeling)
I hide. (ignorance)
I seek. But I'm blind.

A love so true could not exist in me, with out you.

"All those who wander are not all lost"

So is this my search?
To find my own meaning?

Plauged by religion.
What's right, and what is wrong.

"you didn't know up from down" he said.

Denial.

I think about thinking.
Think think think think.

Do I ask for help I don't know how to accept?

I hope for peace outward to calm a war within.

How do I lay my weapons down, when they're all I have?

When I came to visit you
That's when I knew
That I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one who's stupid
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've
Never been so alive

And say the world it doesn't fit with you
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
You're guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

And there's things I'd like to do
That you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you'll never see it happen
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've
I've never been so alive

And there's this burning
There is this burning

And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
And I'll get over you
And you'll wonder who I am
And there's this burning,
Just like there's always been
I've never been so alone, alone
And I've, and I've
I've never been so alive

If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand. I hope you find out what you want. I already know what I am. And if it makes you less sad, we'll start talking again. And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am. I'll grow old and start acting my age. I'll be a brand new day in a life that you hate. A crown of gold. A heart that's harder than stone. And it hurts a whole lot, but it's missed when it's gone. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget. If it makes you less sad, I'll move out of the state. You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way. And if it makes you less sad, I'll take your pictures all down. Every picture you paint, I will paint myself out. It's cold as a tomb, and it's dark in your room, when I sneak to your bed to pour salt in your wounds. So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution. You just wanted to be missed. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive.
I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget... You are calm and reposed. Let your beauty unfold. Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones. Spring keeps you ever close. You are second hand smoke. You are so fragile and thin. Standing trial for your sins. Holding onto yourself the best you can. You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins. Call me a safe bet. I'm betting I'm not. I'm glad that you can forgive. I'm only hoping as time goes, you can forget.

he loves me not.

You shine, I fade away...

"Falling backwards"

I wanna hide
I'm lost in a world that's so empty, and I can't breathe
Counting every day I stay alone

I'm falling backwards
Nothing matters when you're far away
I need to feel you on my skin
I'm falling backwards
All I have to hold is empty space
I'll be standing still until you're mine again
Falling backwards
Take me in
Take me in....

Endless time
Wearing me down 'til I can't see what's around me
All I wanna be is where you are
But I'm blind
Trapped in the shadows between us, sinking deeper
Reaching out, I'm begging for your heart

You're every breath I take
You're every star above me
Turning, burning bright
It's written on my face
In every day I live through
I miss you...
I miss you...
I miss you...

The words you never cared to say
I want to find a better place
When we rely on something more than this
And even as I try to sleep
I'm looking for my best friends
I'm tired of all the people I'm seeing through
(The) Same idea:
It makes me wonder why I'm here
And even when I try to sleep
Still looking for my best friend
When we rely on something more than this
The words you never cared to say,
"I want to start a family"
I'm tired of all the people I'm seeing through
(The) Same idea
It makes me wonder why I'm here
Watch me now
Try
Couldn't walk down that line
Just pass me by
Just passing by.

I wouldn't mind if you took me in my sleep tonight
I wouldn't even put up a fight
I wouldn't care if you took it all away today
I'm sure I wouldn't even miss the pain

But I know I've got to live my life
And roll around on the ground and feel the strife
And realize along the way that I'm nothing more
Than a grain of salt in the salt of the eart
And everything is grace

So come on with the darkness
Come on with the fear
Cause I've got to start somewhere
And it might as well be here

When I'm finally naked and standing in the sunlight
I'll look back at all of this selfishness and foolish pride
And laugh at myself

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high-piled books, in charactery,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;--then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.

What am I doing??

Where am I going??

Where are we going?
As people.
A species.

And what's the point? What purpose do we serve?
Self fulfilment.
Nothing more?
Monolpolizing. Power. Control. Military. Monitary. Media. BS.
What's society's mind, it's own.

Reality tv.
HTC. Legally.
People killing people I could not wrap my mind around the meaning.
Senseless violence.
Nothing is sacred. Excuse the obscene.
"We're only human."
...whatever that means.

And what of love?

Can I trust history?

Real or just a created idea?

Oh silly. Dissapointed idealist.

So little time, so little time
I'm so frustrated
Some little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
So little time, so little time time
To work it on out


I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
Somnambulated
I feel my heart seeking the sparks
I'm praying for love
Praying for love

So little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
Some little time, so little time
When your heart's been faded
So little hope, so little hope
I'm praying for love



Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Is more than enough



So little joy, so little joy
It's complicated
So little time, so little time
Be acclimated
So little hope, so little hope
And I'm prayin' now with love

So little time the pace has changed
But I'm still waiting
A thousand years of timeless days
Somnambulating
I'm stumbling wounded in the dark
But I'm praying still for love
Love love
Prayin for

Love love love
Simply being loved
Love love

Ssssiimm...
Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Simply being loved loved loved
Is more than enough



Yeah...

I am the next act waiting in the wings
I am an animal trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I am in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I am a moth who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I am in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all right
It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all right
It's all right

I was alone, I took a ride,
I didn't know what I would find there
Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind there

Ooh, then I suddenly see you,
Ooh, did I tell you I need you
Every single day of my life

You didn't run, you didn't lie
You knew I wanted just to hold you
Had you gone, you knew in time, we'd meet again
For I had told you

Ooh, you were meant to be near me
Ooh, and I want you hear me
Say we'll be together every day

Got to get you into my life

What can I do, what can I be,
When I'm with you I want to stay there
If I'm true I'll never leave
And if I do I know the way there

Ooh, then I suddenly see you,
Ooh, did I tell you I need you
Every single day of my life

Got to get you into my life
Got to get you into my life

I was alone, I took a ride,
I didn't know what I would find there
Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind there

Then suddenly I see you,
Did I tell you I need you
Every single day...

I asked a no response of how one person can make your "heart" hurt so badly you can barely want to feel anything.
Anything else at all.
Unintentionally.
Effortlessly, always.

I don't want to feel, anything at all.
Well that's not the human experience is it?

I asked how one person can make your life seem lost with out them?

This one person, now a stranger, someone you used to know, but wanted to believe they'd always be there.
Even if they were "wrong".
you wanted to be right.
I never will be, that's the reality.

I'm just a sad  lonely girl.
What are you?

So let go.

I've come this far.
And I will stop.

Nothing further will ever feel worth trying or giving, because it's all gone.
I don't think I have much left.
To give or believe in.

And no one to blame but me.

And I need forgiveness.

I used to pray when I was a lil' girl, for God to take me away.

So I could be with you dad, hoping he was in heaven.

Didn't happen.

So many unfinished books.
So many memories.

He said in 2 months I'll be much better and over it.
Maybe for him.

I don't want to know where I'll be in 2 weeks.
I force myself to ge through 2 days.

So I'll pray.

And trust.
I know what's right.
I know what to do.
I just don't.

None of us really all do (what's right)
I'm tired of this life.
So I'll give it this last try.
I don't know absolute truth.

And they say love will find you (me).

Ok.

I'll first start by being alone and liking myself again.

For all my mistakes and faults and tattoos and flaws.
Accept me.

I want to remember how beautiful life is. What it's like to be accepted.
What it's like for someone to want to be around you, and just be there.
I want no more lies.
No criticisimg, just shared opinions.

I want to remember who I used to be.
That lil' girl before the world took her, and she was lost.
Jaded.

Live journal is silly I know.

But what would life be with out drama?

Eh, the human experience.

I can give endlessly.
Uncondtionally. I can try.
Never good enough.
We're just different.

Never satisfied.

Love defined differently perhaps.

I'm ready to walk away.
With debts I still have to pay.
Don' t think I wanted to stray.
Empty loveless I can't stay.

I just want, I just want love.

So I dive deeper. I may not surface again.
I can't pretend anymore. To be a me that's for you, as someone you don't even know.

"Oh Christy don't take life so seriously. We're all gonna die. And we all can't get what we want.
Even if it's what we need."

"It won't hurt when the killing is done by a friend"

I can't shake this feeling loose. Has me so tight. Knotted inside.
Tied to an anchor. On a sinking ship.
Sinking feeling.

Tashi had her baby girl Sept. 22 2009 around 10pm. I went to visit last night at St. Joseph's hospital in Orange. Kailey Jane Dorji. 6lbs 2 oz. She's beautiful.   I held her in my arms, fed her for a few minutes. It was like falling in love, well the same type of high. Maternal butterflies I guess.

I think of what could've been...

I would like nothing more, than to create, give, make life.

Had I the means to do this. I would.

But I can't seem to keep or find a healthy stable relationship.
We're all cynical, insecure, unstable (financially or emotionally) people.
Either it's I say "me not you" or  hear "it's you, and probably me too".

Oh well.

I'll just babysit instead.

I'm growing tired of waiting for love.
They say it's right in front of me.

I can see right through...
but just that lately I'm not looking.
All I can see is need.

"this is the sound of settling..."

Drank my promise away. For a cheap 5 beers and a half played game of chess.
I felt empty waiting in my parked car. Wanting to just go away. Really wanting to just stay.

There's no cure for what's in your brain.
Or what's in mine.

I just want to love you.

I just want for each of us to feel fine.

"I wish you could put your ear up to my heart
And hear how much I love you"