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...and lost them in the trees

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* * *
I look at familiar objects, string cords of memory.
I gave this to you, and you returned it to me,
because it reminded you of what used to be,
and I kept it because I need to remember, even if it's painfully.

I'm lost.

Current Music:
The Duke & the Dutchess
* * *
All my life I have been searching...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4KrOOm8Nj8

I'll be waiting, 'til the sky falls down...

Current Music:
Dash Berlin
* * *
* * *
I miss you. But why? When you'll never be mine again.
Old memories play in my mind randomly.
We had a home, we had a family.
Did you love me?
I know I wasn't enough...

I just try to forget.

* * *
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
* * *
* * *
My anxiety is high.

Ambitions and hopes are low.

Dreams fade. Memories made. Are gone.

Time slows. Time stops. Time starts. Time speeds past, and then, it's gone.

Where do I start?
I am not smart.
Dumbstruck and stuck.

Rewind.
Where do I start?
To search, for what I don't know what I want, to look for.
Maybe just a means to an end.

"Moment of inner freedom
when the mind is opened and the
infinite universe revealed
& the soul is left to wander
dazed & confus'd searching
here & there for teachers & friends."

Waiting. Searching.

There is nothing else, nothing that matters, except the yearning and deep desire for meaning...

meaning which I have not found. Or feel.

It must not be love.

Codependency has always failed.
My mind has always been flawed.

Weak frail childish mind.

And what about my heart?

To love and be loved.

I feel a lack of existence.

I am not myself.
Current Music:
Blonde Redhead
* * *
I've walked down life's lonely highways
Hand in hand with myself
And I realized how many paths have crossed between us

Oh I do believe
You're all what you perceive
What comes is better that what came before

Current Music:
velvet underground
* * *
I have work to do. I don't do it.
Sometimes I finish it, it only starts over.

Work. A job. And.
Work, progress. of self.

I think I'm depressed. And I just realized it.

Tired of needing medication.Just getting tired.

I thought love could save me.
It could not save me from myself.

Oh cliches of love yourself.
How will I ever change?
To be loved. To love.

In a way that I am not some miserable needy moody mess...

I live so many lives, trying to be something to someone.

I don't enjoy much in life.
Very simple things. So why is it so hard to just live and be happy?

F*ck the shrink.

Constant anxiety.

Hard to be.
A decent human being.

Current Music:
David Bazan
* * *
Say you love me...

to my own faults, assumptions as to you should want to be in my arms.
As if I could still make you feel anything.
Other than impatience or a bargain of your time.
Dually wasted if not beneficial for you. Love is not enough.
I beseech myself for you reply in even brief company.
Enjoyable?
It was always like that I suppose.
I sought providence.
Whatever was a home with you.

Carry onto music and more constructive things in your creating.
For a relationship abound? Maybe, though not with me.

I stand in the way of production or possibilities.

Why did you even bother "realizing" you loved me?

love love love.

words words words.


language and emotion nullified.

All my undivided hopes and sincere beliefs for or of the best and better to you.


I regress. You will be missed.
But I hold onto broken heart strings that have no pull from or to you.

Peace.
* * *
I forgot the stages of grief. Of mourning.

I assume I'm going through the process as it follows a death of a family member.

I got a text message from my cousin Amber that my Grandfather Bill had passed away last night. And last night I was looking through a photo album. There was a picture of me sitting on his lap, wearing his members only jacket, laughing, he was kissing my cheek. I may have been 6 or 7 years old maybe. A few flooded memories.

* * *
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